Countdown to Oscar: My Unproduced Screenplays


Oscar … Gamble that is

== Or … why I write about baseball …  ==

For whatever reasons, Hollywood has not come knocking down my door for the right to make these into blockbuster films.

I guess we’ll never know for sure.

In the meantime, I’ll keep doing the baseball thing.

I’m sure everyone will be OK with that …


It’s Christmas in a Region Where Certain Fungal Infections are Common!

All might be lost when Santa comes down with a case of moderate-to-severe motion sickness — and it’s Christmas Eve!  Luckily, the Jolly One asks his doctor if prescription-strength Rudolfin RD is right for him. Common side effects include a noticeable but benign redness of facial features, sometimes to the point where one would even say it “glows,” an increased risk of occasional levitation, and craving for oats.  In a small number of patients, exclusion from peer gaming activities resulted. Inform your doctor of any seasonally increased intake of baked goods and dairy products, or visits to the Island of Certain Misfit Fungal Infections.  See the ad in Arctic Leisure magazine.


Sporks of Thunder

Everyman entrepreneur Bob Benson looks to make it big with his innovative tableware designs (“they’re not just utensils — they’re YOU-tensils!”).  But will industrial espionage from Big Silverware — and a dark family secret — keep him from his dream?  Tensions mount, leading to a climactic showdown in the aisles of Bed Bath & Beyond.


Millard!  The Musical!

The tumultuous politics of the 1850s combines with the doo-wop and rockabilly of the 1950s in this musical tribute to the 13th president.  First, the New York State Legislature joins in a rousing “More Millard, He’s Not a Bore Millard!” followed by “Down and Dirty with the Free Soil Party!”   Meanwhile, Millard Fillmore Jr. finds love and politics complicated in the soulful “Baby, Don’t Slap a Protective Tariff on Me!”  Finally, the whole cast joins in the toe-tapping finale “The Whigs Don’t Wear Wigs! (But So What If They Did?)


OK, so who’s got a shot to be a right-handed guy in the bullpen?


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